The Non-Canon Closet Courtship of Princess Leia
by Mercutio of Naboo
Summary: Romantic farce: It's six months after Endor and Han still hasn't found the right moment to propose to Leia, so Luke decides to lend a hand. If it has to be canon for you, then don't read this. Rated PG for mild invective.


Disclaimer: The Star Wars universe belongs to George Lucas. I merely   
play with it when he isn't looking.  
  
Author's Note: Okay, so maybe this was a silly idea. Enjoy, or not,   
according to taste. Thanks to Anna Hamilton and Liz Skywalker for both   
suggesting names for a prissy walk-on General.  
  
May the Farce be with you. ;-)  
  
  
The Completely Non-Canon Closet Courtship of Princess Leia  
**********************************************************  
  
General Han Solo settled back against the Falcon's leg-strut, his arm   
secure about the shoulders of the woman he loved. The scenery was   
perfect. Twin suns dipped towards the horizon of lush greenery and   
distant ocean, setting the sky and the land afire. Lacy clouds   
gathered the flames and flung tendrils of gold across the skies   
towards them, knitting together the first faint stars appearing in the   
oncoming evening. The two of them were alone with the glorious sunset   
and the heavens.  
  
He had planned this moment since the night on Endor when he held the   
princess in his arms and realised that she was his. It had not been   
easy to make the time. The war was not over yet, and Leia seemed to be   
working harder than ever. It had taken more patience and devious   
planning than Han had known he was capable of to arrange this one   
brief moment of time alone together. He had finally managed it, and   
now nothing short of a major emergency was going to interrupt them.  
  
"Leia," he began, his voice husky with emotion. The princess turned   
her sparkling eyes towards him, her sweet, delicate mouth curved in a   
slight smile. "Leia, would you..."  
  
There was an ominous crackling, then a voice. "Your Highness?" Leia   
sighed, and pulled out her communicator. Han scowled, pulled his arm   
away, and glared into the distance. He might have guessed that things   
were just too perfect.  
  
"Leia here," the Princess replied. "I hope you have a /very/ good   
reason to call," she added menacingly, affording Han some small   
satisfaction.  
  
"I'm afraid we have a situation here..."  
  
*********  
  
"Han?" The Princess's voice sounded fuzzy over the comlink. Han paused   
in the contemplation of his wardrobe, one shirt held in midair. He   
slapped at the reply switch.  
  
"Leia!" His face broke into a smile. "Are you ready?"  
  
"Han, I'm afraid..." Han's smile faded. "The Tvetch Ambassador has   
turned up, and there's a formal dinner arranged for tonight. I wasn't   
asked about it, Han, but I can't miss it. I'm..."  
  
"Sorry, yeah," Han finished for her, throwing the shirt on the floor   
in disgust. "Have fun. Solo out." he kicked the shirt into a corner,   
then contacted the restaurant to cancel dinner for two.  
  
*********  
  
The big hangar was crowded with ships and technicians, but the   
overhead walkway was almost deserted and strangely distanced from the   
frenetic activity below. There was less than a timepart to go before   
the Rebel fleet emerged from hyperspace and launched its attack. The   
preparations were going smoothly, as might be expected after so much   
practice. Everyone knew what they had to do. The commanders could   
afford a few moments to step back and gather their thoughts.  
  
Han Solo set a hand either side of the princess as she leant against   
the railings, looking down at her with both solemnity and humor in his   
hazel eyes. It wasn't the perfect setting he had envisaged, but it   
would do. "We never seem to get the time for me to ask you this" he   
began, a little hesitantly, "but would you..."  
  
They both jumped as the warning sirens sounded. The ship lurched, and   
Han felt the familiar blurring sensation as they dropped out into   
realspace. "Damn!" he swore. He was beginning to think something was   
conspiring against him. As he sprinted towards the ladder with Leia at   
his heels, he vowed that whatever the something was, he would find out   
and throttle it.  
  
*********  
  
"I don't think I'll ever find the right moment," Han said, looking   
mournfully between his two friends. Luke put a hand on his shoulder,   
and Chewbacca gave a groan of sympathy. "Every time I try to ask her,   
something happens. It's like something is deliberately trying to stop   
me!"  
  
"I think I'd know if that was the case," Luke replied seriously.   
"You've probably just been unlucky. The question is, what else can you   
do?"  
  
*Try the wookie way,* Chewbacca suggested. *Pick her up, put her over   
your shoulder, and walk off with her.*  
  
"Nice." Han gave the big hairball one of his familiar leers. "She's a   
princess, furbrain. You don't do that sort of thing to princesses.   
Especially not when they're Leia."  
  
*Only trying to help,* Chewie grumbled.  
  
"You know, it isn't so stupid," Luke said, with a sudden grin. "It's   
given me an idea at least. Han, I think I might just be able to help   
you. Where's Leia now?" While the bond between the twins meant that   
Luke could have found her himself with little trouble, he had   
discovered that the Corellian was usually more aware of her exact   
location than he was. Not that Han trusted in any hokey Force stuff.   
Han merely checked the duty rosters.  
  
"If she's keeping to her schedule, she should be..." Han checked his   
wristchrono, and then swore. "... in a meeting with the Admiral, which   
/I/ am supposed to be attending. Nerfballs." Han jumped to his feet,   
but Luke grabbed his arm before he could hurry off.  
  
"Han, is it really that important?" Han looked at him as if he had   
gone mad. "More important than you and Leia?" Han blinked, and tried   
to pull his arm free, but the kid was stronger than he looked. "Come   
on. I've got a plan."  
  
'Oh gods,' Han thought as Luke dragged him off. 'He's got a plan.   
Where have I heard that before?'  
  
*********  
  
"Wait there. Don't move," Luke ordered. Han was now totally convinced   
that the kid had lost a vital processor component or two.  
  
"You want me to sit in a closet when I'm /supposed/ to be in a major   
meeting of the military top brass? I don't think so!" He started   
towards the door, but Luke closed it in his face. Han listened in   
disbelief as the lock clicked. What in Sith's underpants was the kid   
playing at?  
  
*********  
  
"Gentlemen?" Several heads turned at Commander Skywalker's soft voice.   
"I'm sorry to interrupt, but I have an urgent message for the   
princess." Leia looked startled. "It's a private matter."  
  
"Is it really necessary..." the Admiral began, but Leia had already   
jumped up.  
  
"It's General Solo, isn't it? I knew there was a reason why he wasn't   
here." Luke took her arm and guided her out of the room, leaving   
behind the shocked and bemused expressions on the faces of the senior   
officers.  
  
General Vekt lifted an outraged eyebrow. "Well, really!"  
  
*********  
  
"Han's fine," Luke assured his sister as he led her down the corridor.  
  
"Then why..." Luke set a finger to his lips, which did nothing to   
quieten the mixture of anger and concern that Leia felt right then.   
What in the seven suns of Sventine was he up to?  
  
"Here we go." Luke stopped beside one of the storage closets. Leia   
stared at him in growing consternation as she heard banging from   
inside, and an all too familiar voice threatening several creative   
retributions on a certain Jedi. "Now then." Luke punched the lock   
release, and took advantage of the momentary surprise when the door   
opened to give his sister a nudge into the interior of the closet. He   
caught one glimpse of Han's startled, angry face before the door slid   
shut once more. Grinning, he activated the lock.  
  
"Now you can't say you never have the time," he called. "I'll stay   
right here and make sure you're not disturbed until you're though."  
  
"Han?" the princess's voice had a dangerous edge to it, and Han took a   
step backwards. "Han Solo, would you mind telling me what sort of fool   
stunt you two are trying to pull?"  
  
Han lifted his hands in a gesture of innocence. "It's nothing to do   
with me," he protested. "It was all the kid's doing. He dragged me in   
here, locked the Force-forsaken /door/ on me, then next thing he's   
locked you in here with me when we're both supposed to be in that damn   
meeting!" His obviously genuine anger leant weight to his argument,   
and Leia's mood turned towards puzzlement.   
  
"He seemed to think that at least one of us knew what this was about,"   
she said, still suspicious. "As I'm certain I haven't a clue what is   
going on, that only leaves you. Just what did he mean about never   
having the time, flyboy?"  
  
"Uh." Han was certain that telling the princess the reason for Luke's   
current behaviour was not the way to obtain her agreement. Not now,   
and possibly not ever. That was not a situation he wanted to be in.   
Unfortunately, he was fresh out of good excuses. "Luke! I'm going to   
/kill/ you for this!"  
  
"Not until after I finish with him," Leia grated. "No changing the   
subject. Out with it, hotshot." she snapped her fingers impatiently,   
and Han wished the closet wasn't quite so small. It was uncomfortably   
restrictive when it came to making any kind of retreat.  
  
Luke lounged casually with his back against the closet door, arms   
folded across his chest. The occasional drift of raised voices from   
inside the closet was audible to the workers passing along the   
corridor. Luke smiled at their puzzled faces, and they went on their   
way.  
  
"Look, this is not the time, or the place," Han said, trying truth as   
the only currently available option. "Luke just picked up on something   
I said to him, he got hold of the wrong end of the laserprod and   
obviously cooked up this crazy scheme. Now how about we figure out a   
way out of here?"  
  
"I'm not buying that, flyboy. Not the time or the place for what? What   
made Luke decide to lock us both in a /closet/, for crying out loud?   
Spill it, Solo, or your life won't be worth living... what you have   
left of it."  
  
"Aw c'mon, Leia, why won't you believe me just the once? I only   
mentioned that we never got much time together."  
  
"Han, we see each other every /day/. We /work/ together. We could   
hardly avoid one another if we tried." Han's lips quirked, and even   
Leia had to smile. "Well okay, so we've /did/ try and no, it didn't   
work." The princess's eyes narrowed again, and she lifted a warning   
finger. "So that doesn't get you off the hook."  
  
"It's hardly private, though, is it?" Han sounded aggrieved. "It's not   
exactly romantic, sharing our moments over the datawork with half the   
Alliance popping in with its problems and the other half dropping by   
with unhelpful advice! You never seem to stop working, either. You   
work twice, no, three times as hard as anyone else, don't you deserve   
a break, just sometimes?" His eyes were pleading, but Leia wasn't   
feeling susceptible.  
  
"Don't I deserve a break so I can spend it with you, you mean? Han   
Solo, you have to be the most self-centered, selfish, egotistical man   
I have ever met!"  
  
"Aw Leia..." Han's shoulders slumped. This was getting worse and   
worse. "That's not what I meant. I was thinking of you. I've been   
trying to..." he faltered, not wanting to dig his pit any deeper than   
he had already managed. "I mean, I wanted to... Every time I manage to   
arrange a bit of time off, somewhere /nice/-" he caught Leia trying to   
hide a grin, and decided that just maybe there was still hope. "-  
something happens and we find ourselves wading through garbage mashers   
again."  
  
"Even garbage mashers have their moments," Leia remarked, softening a   
little until she recollected their present circumstances. "Unlike this   
closet. Even the meeting we are /supposed/ to be at would be   
preferable. Luke! Will you /please/ let us out?"  
  
"So what was your answer?" Luke's question was muffled but clear   
enough.  
  
"Answer? What do you mean, answer?" Leia gave the door a glare that   
almost scorched the plasboard.  
  
"No answer, no exit." Luke said, the blunt reply ending on a slightly   
urgent note. "Han, you'd better get on with it, there's a full   
squadron of admirals and generals headed this way, and I think they're   
looking for you two."  
  
Leia turned on Han, too angry to even come up with another insult. Han   
looked into her eyes, and saw his hopes going up in flames. "What   
answer, Solo?"  
  
Han was equally angry now, although not with the princess. He took one   
short stride past her, and slammed a fist hard into the door,   
oblivious to the pain it must have caused. "Skywalker, you bantha-  
footed nerf-witted, laser-brained idiot! Are you /trying/ to wreck   
everything?"  
  
"Hurry up and finish in there, would you?" Luke's remark drew a few   
shocked glances from the approaching collection of military staff. "It   
shouldn't take you all day!"  
  
Han's temper left orbit altogether. His voice was dangerously quiet,   
but carried enough overtones of white-hot rage to cut through   
durasteel. "Skywalker, after this it is going to be finished, period,   
and it's all... your... fault!" He punctuated each word with another   
slam against the closed door. "What the Sith are you thinking!" His   
voice now rose to an enraged bellow, clearly audible down most of the   
corridor.  
  
Admiral Akbar and General Reeiken exchanged looks as they recognised   
the owner of the raised voice in the closet. "I sincerely hope there's   
a good explanation for this," Reeiken said mildly. General Madine   
frowned at the young Jedi and took a half step forwards.  
  
"Don't be too much longer," Luke called over his shoulder at the door,   
half laugh and half yelp. "I think my life is in danger here!"  
  
"Not in half as much danger as it would be in here," Leia said,   
darkly, but her scowl was reserved for the ex-smuggler who currently   
shared her unlikely prison.  
  
"Hey!" Han raised his voice. "Admiral? Can you let us out?"  
  
Leia blinked, then added her shout to Han's. "Okay, so maybe sometimes   
you do manage to come up with a good idea," she admitted, more   
quietly.  
  
"What was that?" Admiral Akbar tilted his head at the sound of voices   
from within the closet.  
  
Luke gulped, calmed himself, and gave a faint smile. "Nothing," he   
said with a wave of his hand. "You heard nothing."  
  
"I heard nothing," the Admiral repeated, although he sounded   
suspicious.  
  
"Tauntaun-breath! The kid really has flipped." Han banged the door   
again. "Luke, I mean it! This is all wrong!"  
  
"C'mon, Han, this could be the best chance you get!" As Luke resumed   
his conversation with the door, Admiral Akbar shook off the Jedi's   
mind influence. Concerned, he lifted his hand towards the panel that   
operated the lock.  
  
"Sorry, Admiral," Luke brushed the hand aside apologetically.   
  
"Luke, not here, not now! Please!" Han sounded close to desperate, a   
novelty that was almost enough to take the edge off Leia's fury.   
Almost, but not quite.  
  
"It's gotta be as good a place as any!" Luke countered, stepping   
sideways to cover the lock panel with his back and wondering just what   
would happen to him after this was over. It probably wouldn't be   
pleasant...   
  
"Dammit, kid, a closet is no place to propose to a..." Han stopped,   
his forehead resting against the door as his anger suddenly flooded   
away. His shoulders slumped in defeat. Now he really had let the   
mynocks into the generator.  
  
Outside, Luke tried desperately to give no outward signs of amusement   
when several of the listening officers started to lean forward in an   
effort to hear more as the voices in the closet dropped to inaudible   
levels.  
  
"To propose to a..." Leia pounced on the sentence, making it a   
question, although sudden realisation already colored her voice.  
  
"...princess," Solo finished, weakly.  
  
Leia crossed her arms over her chest and faced him squarely, her jaw   
set and her eyes narrowed. "Oh? So you think I'm too good to settle   
for a simple question? Miss high-and-mighty needs to be bribed with   
sunset beaches and romantic dinners?"  
  
Han was stung. He couldn't help himself, couldn't fail to rise to the   
bait even with the faint possibility that the situation could still be   
redeemed. He swung round, a finger waving in Leia's direction as he   
returned her question with interest. "Bribed?! I take a bit of trouble   
to come up with something /nice/, and you throw that in my face?   
Listen, your holiness, if I wanted somebody I could bribe, I could   
walk right out there-" he waved an expressive arm "-and pick up   
hundreds of them!"  
  
"Oh you could, could you, hotshot?" Leia's tones turned icy. "Once a   
scoundrel, always a scoundrel. I might have known you couldn't keep   
the nice guy performance up for long."  
  
"If that's the way you feel about it, sweetheart, then forget it. I   
won't even ask." Han crossed his arms over his chest and stared into a   
corner. He could not believe what he had just said, and now the words   
had been spoken he couldn't think of anything else he could say to put   
things right again.  
  
Luke watched the officers listening avidly outside, trying to keep his   
mirth from bubbling over. The voices in the closet quietened, and the   
Jedi was convinced that one or two of those with him were wishing   
they'd had the place bugged. Nobody had tried to open the door again,   
for which he was thankful. Stopping another attempt would probably   
earn him a court marshal.  
  
The princess drew herself up. "Well if you won't, I will," she   
declared, lifting her chin.  
  
For once Han's legendary quick reactions deserted him, and he simply   
stared at her. "Y... you will?" he stuttered, finally.  
  
"Obviously the only way to get anything done around here is to do it   
myself," Leia replied, archly. "So, flyboy..." she struggled to   
maintain her arrogant pose, not helped by the fact that Solo had   
finally gathered his wits and was watching her with the cocky, half-  
amused expression that never failed to touch sparks off her. "How   
about it? Will you marry me?"   
  
"I should've known you couldn't resist my masculine charms," Han   
began, before deciding not to push his luck too far. "Okay, okay." He   
lifted his hands in submission, then lowered them softly onto the   
princess's shoulders. "Yes," he said, embarrassed to find that his   
voice cracked a little on the word. He bent his head as Leia lifted   
her face towards him, her lips parting invitingly.  
  
The closet door swished open, and the pair whirled apart to find the   
other leaders of the Rebellion ranged outside. Luke stood to one side,   
his expression nerflike.  
  
"I couldn't stop them," he apologised. "Sorry."  
  
"Garbage mashers again," Han muttered to Leia, although this time he   
was more amused than annoyed.  
  
It took an effort but the Princess Leia managed to look regal, showing   
no sign of hearing the remark. "Gentlebeings," she said, cooly. "We   
will be with you right away. I do apologise for keeping you waiting so   
long." She lifted an eyebrow at the variously puzzled, shocked, and   
outraged expressions that faced her, then swept away down the corridor   
back towards the conference room.  
  
Han Solo also managed to hold onto his dignity, although in his case   
it was closer to being a swagger. He hooked his thumbs into his belt   
as he took the four steps it needed to close the distance between   
himself and Luke, wearing a perfect Sabbac face. Skywalker," he   
rumbled, hoping it sounded like a growl and not a chuckle, "I don't   
have time right now, but when I do you're a dead man." Then he   
couldn't keep up the pose any longer, and a broad grin cracked his   
features. With a laugh, he buffeted Luke on the shoulder with his   
fist. "Thanks, kid." He pivoted on his heel and strode off after the   
princess, leaving several people even more bemused than before.  
  
*********  
  
"Princess, General." Vekt's voice was frosty. "I trust we will now   
receive an explanation as to why you felt the need to shut yourselves   
in a closet to have an argument?"  
  
Leia smiled sweetly, and Han chuckled. "No" he said, just to see the   
man's reaction, "I don't think you will." He was not disappointed. He   
had never seen anyone turn quite that shade of red before- nobody   
human, anyway.  
  
"It's not on the agenda," Leia pointed out with feigned meekness. "Any   
matters to be discussed had to be submitted two days beforehand, in   
writing. I don't remember seeing anything about closets." The two   
exchanged grins, the moment of eye contact stretching out just a   
fraction longer than was strictly necessary. Reeiken cleared his   
throat, and Leia managed to suppress a giggle.  
  
"Gentlebeings," she said, taking a seat and waving Han to sit beside   
her. "Shall we proceed?"  
  
-END-  



End file.
